I didn’t want to be there.
I looked at Jane beside me. She had her reddish hair in a ponytail, sporting her favorite cap as usual.
“Are you sure we can stop here, Jan’? What if it isn’t safe?”
“Don’t worry, Kat, it’s perfectly fine. We’ll just sleep here for tonight,” said my friend at the steering wheel, as she pulled the gear to stop the van and unlocked her seatbelt. Jane paused, as she was about to open the door, then turned her head and said: “Why don’t we take a look around before we hit the hay?” I could not believe she said this while grinning!
I looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious? Nu’uh! I’m not getting out of this car, Jan’!”
She was already out of the car, flashlight in hand, the door still ajar.
“Oh c’mon! It’ll be fun! Didn’t we come out here for some adventure? This old abandoned manor is a great place to start.” Jane was silent for a moment. I hated it when she did that.
“What is it, Jan’?”
The woman laughed, the laugh only Jane could laugh. Loud and heartfelt...
“You hear those crickets, Kat?” Jane grinned in delight and looked up. She made a dramatic stance as she lifted up her arm to point up to the sky, her mouth open, and eyes wide. “And do you see those stars?! Man, it’s like space out here!” She giggled one last time, and then said:
“Look, if you really don’t want to come, then fine, but it it’d be so much fun.” She smiled at me hopefully.
I looked behind Jane. All I could see was grass, trees, and darkness. Then I looked at the window beside me. A tall, intimidating building of cold stone stared at me blankly as the pine trees swayed in the wind.
“No… no, I don’t want to go.” I stared at the glass as I said this. I didn’t want to see my friend’s disappointed face.
In the back of my mind, I could see Jane smile sadly.
“OK then. That’s fine with me… but make sure to lock, okay? And if anything happens, you can call me on my cell phone. I’ll be back soon.” I heard the click of the keys put into its place, and the door shut. Seconds later, I saw Jane waving at me as she headed towards the stone manor.
I counted the seconds on the clock. 7:30, 7:35, 7:39, 7:40. When the clock said 7:56 PM, I realized she really did go. Just like Jane would. I started to feel the empty space of the car seat beside me. I looked at the window one more time. My breath fogged up the glass… and I felt it. Loneliness. I wished I had gone with Jane.
I frowned. But there’s no way I’m going to go out there now. Even if I do have another flashlight... I leaned back in my seat and grabbed my newest book I bought that week, and turned to page 145. I will read until Jan’ gets back.
Little did I know, it would be quite a while till Jane came back...
This is an idea that came to me after listening to a song. I don't remember which song it was... But this is just a draft. As you can see, I am not into even describing the narrorator, Kat'. I guess you are free to imagine her as you like, but my image of her is a brunette, with brown eyes, shoulder length hair, and a baby face.
And I know. Two girls in the middle of nowhere is really stupid. But it's just the beginning. XD
4 comments:
I LOVE it!!!!
It's very exciting! Don't say that 2 girls in a mysterious palce is boring, because it isn't! I am very intrigued. As soon as I read the words "old abandoned manor" I felt a prickle of excitement and anticipation!
I really like this. You put the personality of the two characters down in a matter of seconds, and not even by action, but by dialogue - this is an excellent talent, to be able to show readers who your characters are through dialogue. Be proud of it! I really like your dialogue, it has a natural flow to it, and I think you are getting better at articulating your characters' feeling, especially in the scene after Jane has left, where you have Kat feeling the emptiness of the car seat beside her.
This is an intriguing story I hope will continue! I wonder what happens next, when Jane comes back, why she takes so long, why the two are out here in the first place.
The only thing I'd say to cut is, the ' after "Jan" and the last sentence. That is a cliche, to say that Kat didn't know how very long it would be until Jane returned. You see, I know you are going for suspense there, but you have already done a fabulousjob of making me feel suspense by the rest of the story - the loneliness, the empty car seat, the dark forbidding look of the woods outside Kat's window. So tacking on that last "suspenseful" sentence isn't necessary, it's just saying what we already know. So nix that sentence, and this is perfect! I hope you continue this.
I have to agree with Chai. The suspense is great and I would continue reading this. Funny thing is my Nano story is about an old abandoned house (well it's only been empty a couple of years and it's in a small town but the house ties the MC in) - and witches, and a bit of time travel and some other things. Magick - because there is no other explanation for it.
My two girls are going exploring in this house by themselves but of course they live right across the street from the house, so it's not like their parents aren't fairly close. And my characters are a bit younger than yours (or the feeling I get from your story so far). I say go with it. Write the story out and if when you are finished you would like some help editing/rewriting/et cetera - let me know - that is kind of what I do for other friends.
You definitely have the beginnings of a mystery here. So keep it up and let us know how it comes out. Keep up the good work - E :)
Wow, I feel honored to be encouraged by a friend of Chai. Thank you so much. I'll try my best to continue!
you are quite welcome - and Chai gets my encouragement as well. I like helping people and just reading the first part of your story made realize you have something here - it seems that the type of story you are going for is definitely popular right now - anyway - if you ever need someone to bounce ideas off or brainstorm or whatever - just let chai know and I'll be here - she can give you my IM if you have yahoo too - good luck and keep at it. Can't wait to read more -E :)
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