Remember the story about the 2 girls, Kat' n' Jan'? If you remember that-- to the part where Katherine is waiting in the car for her friend, then great. If not, re-read it here. Once you've done that, be aware that what I have written now is a re-written part after she wakes up. I'm not a 100% happy with it, since it's still a draft, and the beginning of this sounds a bit rushed, but in any case it's an improvement in comparison to before. So I hope you'll like it better. *shrugs*
All characters and ideas © Samantha S. (Tsuu). No stealing, please.
“Katherine” someone whispered to me. I opened my eyes; frustrated to find myself at the exact place I did not want to be. It took me a moment to realize I was alone. I pulled back my wavy brown locks, hoping the grogginess would go away. As I took a deep breath, my eyesight started to clear and I could finally see the wood clearing, as the sun that probably woke me up peeked shyly through the innumerous trees. As I already knew Jane was not beside me, I rolled down my window to look outside, reluctant to simply step out. I scanned the ground, the trees, around the manor that was visible--- she was nowhere to be seen. My heart dropped in disappointment. Typical of Jane. I let Jan’ wander off to explore, and now I have to find her. As if I was her mother! I thought to myself irritably, as I unwillingly took hold of the door’s handle and stepped out, taking the key and locking it afterwards, slipping it gingerly into my back jeans pocket.
I felt a momentarily chill as a soft but cool breeze passed by me. Who would have thought it could still be so chilly in the early spring. I zipped my jacket closed and with a tired face and headed towards the only building present.
As I walked toward every child’s favorite spooky story, I started to backtrack my memory and remembered that I had heard someone whisper my full name right before I woke up. I shrugged it off, for it was obvious, now, that I had dreamt it. After all, nobody had been in the car with me—and I had locked the car. Unless the boogieman is out to get me, I joked to myself.
I smirked to myself despite my restlessness the night before. Somehow, things seemed easier to deal with in the daylight. The sun and the clear sky was a reassurance to me. Even the manor appeared less daunting in the day, I noticed, as I stopped in front of what seemed to be a tall oak door. Its center displayed a pretty tainted glass window, featuring many different flowers. Beside the main door were the walls of stone, almost completely covered by moss and vines. Scattered across them were, strangely enough, lilies.
I looked behind my back at the van. It looked inviting. I sighed. There was no way out of it.
I opened the door of the manor, and as if on cue, the door’s rusty hinges creaked as I opened it wider. I felt like I was in a novel, where the heroine was about to discover her true identity.
But instead of discovering my identity, I found myself stepping inside and discovering something that by no means looked like a regular old manor. For all I knew, at first I felt like I had just stepped outside again. I was expecting grass beneath my feet, but instead my sneakers met the cold tile floor. I simply stood in mid stance, staring at the tremendous amount of plants, small trees and flowers scattered across a very, very spacious, “living room”. Even the ceiling had a large sunroof to lighten the room.
The last owner must have been some nature fan, I concluded with an open mouth.
I was dazzled to say the least, as I let go of the door and took a few steps forward toward this exquisite garden, forgetting the sound of the slight bang of the door closing. Walking closer to the center of the room, I spotted a charming wooden bench that sat behind a small concrete fountain that even now, seemed to be working, as the water sparkled in the sun’s reflection.
Something came over me, as I became excited and quickened my pace to the bench, momentarily forgetting completely what my main goal was, or any logic of what I was seeing. I sat down, like a child receiving her first toy, and smiled contently as I took a better look at my surroundings.
The room itself was enormous, the floor, a mix of grass and ceramic title. Bushes of many kinds made almost a hedge behind from where I sat. And beyond that were large oak doors, all going in different directions, all with tainted glass. Flowers, any flower you could possibly think of, were present. It was a rainbow of color, never ending, always beautiful. I looked up to see the glass sunroof. The sun was high in the sky, and sky itself, clear blue, with not one cloud to be seen.
Then I noticed something more, as I finally took a better look at the fountain before me. It had three bowls. On the very top the water trickled gently down…
But something was erect in between the water that flowed from the top. A white rose. My favorite flower... I stood up to take a better look, almost not believing my own eyes. I touched the petals delicately, and sure enough they were soft as any rose. Its stem stood sturdy between the constant flowing water. The flower had a strong, sweet smell to it.
And yet again, something came over me—I acted before I thought straight about what I was about to do, and plucked the flower out of its place. Knowing roses, they have thorns, and sure enough, my thumb was bleeding. I cursed under my breath and was about to suck on it until I saw that this cut was far too diferent.
The cut that at first was just a mere line, was now becoming something else. The cut opened more, making a journey around my thumb, tracing something. I was shocked as I realized that my thumb did not emit any pain, it merely tingled profusely. I watched the cut finally finish its course and stop bleeding, my thumb now numb, and finally saw its goal. It had traced a letter, in a elegant, old-fashioned script. The letter K.
"K" for Katherine.
Btw, I'd LOVE to have some pointers on how I can make this seem interesting and catch the reader with such a piece with no dialogue. I find it hard to write nicely without dialogue... Open to criticism. <3
2 comments:
I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! At first it moved kind of slowly (not rushed, actually). She spent a lot of time in the car thinking.
But then it got exciting when she stepped toward the manor, and you had all the creepiness with her thinking of "a child's spooky story" and all that. I was happy you didn't make a ghost jump out, or have her find Jane's dead body, because that would have been cliche and like a horror movie. Ugh. Horror movies. So I am very happy you did not make it predictable.
The garden in the manor was very interesting. I think I would have done what she did, and gotten totally taken away by it and forget my goal of finding Jane. I think you have nice descriptions in here, and do a fine job of writing without dialogue.
You have certainly made it exciting enough for me. Were this a book, I would turn the next page! I want to know WHO said Katherine, because I just know someone did, and I want to find out why the thorn made a letter K on her thumb.
If I were here and my cut went all whirlygig on me, I'd freak out! lol. She's braver than she thinks, methinks.
Very exciting so far. Your writing is improving!
I wish I could give you pointers on how to improve, since that's what you seem to want. All I can say is, you have the same habit that I have of making long sentences with lots of commas in them. Try to cut those down. Also, you mean "stained glass" not "tainted glass." Tainted means dirty, or corrupted. Stained glass is the pretty colored glass in the churches and whatnot.
I like the picture you created of the living room full of flowers and bushes, with oak doors branching out in many directions from it. Very cool. My explorer's heart would have a great time in there! lol.
I'm intrigued and can't wait to get some of these girls. I know I have to be patient because you have other things going (probaby school if I remember you are a youngun like Chai - lol)
This paragraph got me a little bit -
"As I walked toward every child’s favorite spooky story, I started to backtrack my memory and remembered that I had heard someone whisper my full name right before I woke up. I shrugged it off, for it was obvious, now, that I had dreamt it. After all, nobody had been in the car with me—and I had locked the car. Unless the boogieman is out to get me, I joked to myself."
The reason being - you only show the whispered first name, not a full name - so may want to reflect that here or change the whispered name to "Katherine Jean Whatever" - like her full name or change the sentence to say someone had whispered my first name, not my shortened name or something like that
You might have been a bit tired on this paragraph - "I looked behind my back at the van. It looked inviting. I sighed. There was no way out of it." - I looked back at the van is sufficient.
You have created a definite fantasy world here - and like Chai, I have to agree - the old tired horror stuff was expected and you didn't do that - kudos to you -
You are getting inside her head more - so even though you don't have dialogue - you may have a few more thoughts peppered through - she would still "talk" to herself throughout because she is going to an unknown place, she's freaked out her friend hasn't returned and since you are telling this from 1st person it makes it harder to get to know inside your other characters' heads. One thing you may want to consider (and you can still keep it in Kat's POV by doing this) is switching it over to 3rd person - this way when you bring Jane back into the story and you start having more adventures happening, you can show thoughts from both girls as they seem equally important. This allows you to not be omniscient about the characters and writing in first person ends up being that way - you are limited to how much you can reveal of the other characters.
I'm thankful you aren't writing 1st present (I've recently read and reviewed a book (which was the first of one I'd read a while back) that was written in 1st present tense - and it is difficult to do - I don't like it) - it is too immediate and hard to follow as a reader.
I think with this part you have a good pace going. You can't concentrate on any other characters because no one is there but Kat. You can create a little more tension by showing her hesitating at the door before knocking or trying to turn the knob or something - because you want your readers to be holding their breaths by the time she reaches the door to see what lies beyond.
Spooky houses are spooky houses and in the daylight even though not as intimidating, they are still omnious and stand there to give us the creeps and with the sun just coming up - or it being fairly early in the morning - you might have dew covered lawns and that misty fog rising as the sun burns it off (the chilled evening and the hot sun sizzling - when the two meet it creates a different ambiance in setting - you still have creepy) -
Ask Chai to share with you the postlets from the SMFS (short mystery fiction society) yahoo forum I belong to because there was a recent posting about setting and using it to your advantage - although the thoughts are geared toward short stories, I believe the advice can be used with novels as well. The advice given in those postings is all inclusive - I've been sending them to her as they are posted on the yahoo group. If she doesn't have them (which I'm sure she does as she has found some usefu advice in them herself), email me and I'll send you the whole set of them - E :)
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