“Hey Kat! I got a great idea!”
No answer.
“Uh, Kat, are you there? Back to earth, oh human being…”
I saw a hand waving by my face. It gave off a nice breeze. I smiled sleepily, until I realized that Jane was actually talking to me. I blinked twice.
“Huh, sorry?”
Jane frowned at me, almost disapproving.
“What am I going to do with you and your daydreaming? I can’t leave you alone for one second without you going into another dimension!”
I laughed shyly and smirked at her. “Sorry Jane, but what am I going to do with you? You are the one who always comes up with crazy ideas.”
“Aha! So you were listening after all.”
“Vaguely.” I grabbed my glass of milk and took a sip.“So, you want to hear it?”
“Shoot.”
----
What was that infernal noise? A long, deep, high-pitched noise. It sounded familiar. What was it? Is that…the horn?!
I woke up with a jolt, almost swearing as I realized my akward position. My body was sprawled across the two front car seats, where my foot miraciously managed to find its way to the steering wheel.
Still drowsy, I tried to see where I was, squinting my eyes as I adjusted my sitting position. Trees…lots of grass, a very blinding sun, and…
The manor. It then hit me. Jane was not back yet. I looked at the clock. 8:30 AM. I then searched through the van, looking in the back seats. Nothing. The car key was still in its place. The car had been running its engine the whole time…
What could have possibly made Jane not come back? For a moment, my imagination went wild. It gave me the chills to even think that anything bad had happened to her.
I took a deep breath. “No, Kate. Nothing happened. Jane is probably perfectly fine. It’s just a matter of calling her.” I whispered to myself.
Grabbing my cellphone out of my sweater’s hand pocket, I dialed her number. I waited… and it rang! My heart started to race with anticipation. I heard a beep. That meant someone answered!
“Jan’?! Is that you? You okay?”
No answer.
“Jan’..?”
It then beeped again, only to beep several times. She… hang up?!
I stared at my cellphone… It read: “18:56:00 – End call?” I bit my lip as my thumb lingered on the button to hang up.
I pressed my cellphone to my ear one more time. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe she didn’t hang up.
I listened, and my heart skipped a beat. I could hear someone’s heavy breathing on the other line.
Startled, I quickly pressed the hang up button. My cellphone was slippery in my hand. Maybe it was from the sun? I tried denying it, but it was useless.
I was afraid.
I ain't exactly happy with this, but I can't think of any way to really "fix it". Sorry if it sounds so silly and predictable. Like it's really obvious that at the end you've gotta go *gasp!*. As goofy as it may seem, though, while I was writing this, I couldn't help but feel nervous and look around me. It was at night. XD
4 comments:
okay - this is still rough draft - but here are a few fixes for you - first - the vehicle wouldn't run all night long - it would have given out gas or battery would have died. The fact that she heard the beeping noises to indicate that the call had been answered and then the friend hung up, she wouldn't have heard anything else on the other end and after so much time, the call will end on its own. I think you are reaching for something here. You started us with an idea - and this is supposed to be after the first posting you made? -- i think the first paragraph or so that you have here would be better left out of here - doesn't belong - pick up where she wakes herself up with the horn blaring - if she is in a van - she would be reclined probably or she would have climbed to the back - not sure - I'm not really sure she would have fallen asleep until she knew for sure that her friend was back - you made "Kat" into Kate at one time and you made "Jane" into Jan - so that needs to be worked on
I know she wouldn't get out of the van to go look for her but she may drive towards the manor looking for signs of her friend and if it were 8:30 the next morning when she did wake up - she would've probably been awoken by the brightness of the sun (I know now that daylights savings time is in effect, I have a hard time not being awakened by just the hint of daylight, and I have curtains on my windows that keep the light out as much as possible but once it starts becoming daylight, I am up - can't stay in bed or asleep because the light becomes brighter and brighter - by 8:30, it's too bright to not notice)
I think she would have used her cell phone to keep in contact with her friend throughout the whole time she was gone - maybe text messaging or whatever - but then again, cell phone batteries only last a certain amount of time with constant use
and you want to leave the reader wanting to know whats going on - so definitely leave it as being afraid - it stirs up lots of images - panic, what the heck am I going to do now, who is on her phone, what's going on, why couldn't just wait until daylight to do this, et cetera - you see - you want the reader to experience the fear with you - the panic - get them set up to travel the rest of the story with Kat - keep it up and remember show us let me see the fear - something like - I broke out in a cold sweat; the phone was slipping from my hand. What was going on with Jane's phone? Who was that on the other end? - build it up so we are all with hearts racing and ready to turn the page - E :)
I agree with Elysabeth on cutting out the first part. It is unncessary and confusing. So cut to the part with the blaring of the horn. I like how you had the blaring horn. I wondered what the noise was. I also really do panic with Kate/Kat, and I like how you had the whole weird moment with the cellphone. But I didn't understand the beeping. Was whoever was on the other line dialing numbers or something? That wasn't really suspenseful, it made me go, "huh? what?" You do a good job of making this scary - I got the panic feeling, and I can feel Kate's panic; it feels genuine.
I hope that Kate gets the idea to revv up the car and drive to the manor looking for her friend.
Keep going with this! I like it. :D
Thanks for the suggestions, and I agree on most parts! Well, I also think it hard to believe that a vechicle would run the whole night till morning, but I even asked my dad about it, and he said that if you leave the engine on "idle", it can last for quite a while...
Well, I figured that the beeping would simply be someone else accidentally pressing a button on the other line. Now, if that can even work with the call even still going on, I can only speculate.
I should have explained the 1st paragraph more, sorry. I will re-write so it fits properly. If not, maybe I should just take it out...
With any other suggestions, I pretty much agree with you, and I thank you for suggesting them! Hopefully I can re-write this and make it better written. <3
Definitely keep writing this - remember rough drafts are hard to share and get opinions and when you get to the point of revising and past the first and second edits - let me know and we can do a complete edit via email or something - i think this would definitely go somewhere - you have great elements in here - suspense, mystery, intrigue, friendship, plot definitely, characters im already enjoying - so you have great elements making up this story - keep it going and let us know - i want to see more of what happens with the girls - E :)
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