Monday, June 25, 2007

"KATHERINE" Chapter 2, Part 2

I feel so good right now. Who'd have thought doodling some of the characters would suddenly inspire me to continue and finally get out of the writer's block? I'm just relieved that I did, at least for now.

This is pretty much a draft, like anything I write, specifically 'cause I just wrote this afternoon. So if you find anything awkward or funky in some parts, please say so. :)

This starts off from the part where Kat' finds herself with a whacky cut on her right thumb. From that point, I sprouted new ideas which resulted in the short search for her friend. Trust me, drama and excitement is sure to come soon! It's not much, but I hope you guys like it and comments would be much loved. <3

All characters and ideas © Samantha S.

It was a “K” all right. A very fancy one, no doubt. And at first I thought my imagination was finally getting payback on all the times I neglected it for studies. I laughed nervously despite myself. This had to be the lack of sleep from driving!

For a moment, it continued to drip and bleed, leaving drops on the grass and tiles, but then it suddenly stopped. It now had become a dry blotch of red, although the K seemed to shine through it all. Definitely a lack of sleep, I thought to myself desperately.

I looked at the rose that had caused me these bizarre results in disdain. My left hand was unscathed, I noticed. For some reason the flower decided to only prick my right thumb. Good thinking, flower.

“I can’t believe I’m believing this crap!” I muttered to myself. The swearing was the result of many years with Jane.

And as if the thought of Jane was the call of my salvation, she was all of a sudden there. I didn’t know it at that moment, but in a few seconds that exact person startled me.

“BOO!”

I whirled around, nearly screaming, only to see Jane clutching her flashlight in one hand and holding her stomach in the other, in total laughter. Her cheeks were rosy, as if the thrill of my expression was too much to bear.

At first my all I noticed was my fast heartbeat, as I just stared at Jane. Then I grabbed my friend by the shoulders and shook her slightly. “Where were you this whole time, Jan’?! I was worried!”

But she continued to laugh. When she attempted to speak, her voice was breathless, as if the laughing had taken all her strength. Catching her breathe, Jane put a hand on my shoulder and said with a sudden serious face that bewildered me: “ A ghost had possessed me last night, Kat’.”

“…What?!” I half believed her, my brow furrowed.

Jane simply stared at me blankly. Then she bursted out laughing again. “I can’t believe you took me seriously!” she said, pointing at me teasingly through a grin that would not seem to wear off.

“ I didn’t believe you!” I sputtered. But my cheeks grew pink even so.
“Look, Kat’—you just read too many spook novels! I’ve been telling you to take a break on those.” She leaned her left arm across my shoulder in a playful way.

“So where have you been this whole time, then?” I turned to my friend beside me.
“Me? Here. At the manor. Though I did stop at the van to check on you last night. You forgot to lock, by the way.” Jane smirked knowingly.
“But… when I woke up this morning, it was locked.”
“Then you must have locked it after I left again, Kat’.”
I stared at the ceramic tile for a moment, its pattern suddenly very busy, muttering to myself: “I didn’t lock it. I know I didn’t.”
“Maybe it was someone else.” Jane suddenly spoke.
“Who?” I looked at her increadiously.

Jane looked at me with an odd expression, but then suddenly she smiled and said: “Nobody, silly. You locked it, ‘probably just had been half-sleeping when you did.”

I still didn’t feel like dropping it. But there was nothing else I could do. “Let’s get out of here, Jan’. I don’t like this place.”

“Aaaw. Why not? Already chickening out, eh? Sure, most of the doors are locked, but some places have awesome views. “

“I’m not chickening out, Jan’. I just don’t like it.”
“Why?” She inquired.

I showed her my right thumb. “Because who can when the place grows flowers that do this to your fingers!”

My friend took hold of my thumb for a better, close up inspecion. “Ooh. That’s some fancy cut,” she smirked, then her eyes widened in fascination – “ Cool! It has a “K” on it! …How’d you do that?”
“I didn’t, obviously! That’s what creeps me out.”
“Sure.”
“I’m serious!”
“Fine. But I still ‘am going to show you the place, of what I could find or get into, anyway. Then we’ll go. Deal?”

Jane held out her right hand in a attempt for a hand shake. I drew mine despite the sillyness of it. “Fine.” I said. “As long as we stay together from here on out.”

She looked at me as if I was crazy. “Of course, silly! We’re like a pencil and the eraser, inseperable. You’re the pencil, who makes things interesting with your imagination, and I’m the eraser who takes out the bad stuff.”
I laughed at her description. “You got that right.”

“OK. Lead the way, Jan’.”
“Right this way, madam.”

5 comments:

elysabeth said...

Interesting - It's been so long since reading the previous parts - have you been in first person the whole time? or were you in third but from Kat's POV? I felt jolted with the first paragraph being in first person - if you've had it that way all along don't change it. There were a couple of typos but then again this is a draft and those will get fixed later.

From this part though I don't feel like Kat was continuing to look for her friend, she was more interested in the wacky cut on her thumb, and then her friend shows up. Maybe need to adjust that - I continued searching through the flora until I came to an opening when out of nowhere, Jane showed up, flashlight in hand (but isn't it breaking day now? - or some other weird thing that would move her forward - she's stagnate - just standing there looking at her thumb.

I get the feeling this story isn't going to be very long. You've set up the adventure very early on.

Did Jane really check on her friend while she was sleeping? If so, it seems Kat would have vaguely had an idea she was there. And Kat locked the van (if I remember correctly) right after Jane left and she knows she did because she was scared to be there by hersef.

I like the playful element Jane has when she shows up, although she is a little too aloof about her friend's predicament with the cut on her finger. If she had been in the mansion all night, she would have received a similar cut and would have seen the same things that Kat had when she first entered. She would have been freaked for sure, unless there was no way to get out once you entered.

You are doing a great job. I can see the different personalities of the girls - I need to reread the first parts you've posted to play catch up to this one. lol -

(A suggestion since it's been a while from the last posting and this one and may be a while before the next, how about bring the last paragraph or so from the previous posting - maybe in italics - just to catch us up to the beginning of the new piece you are posting - that way we can see what happened right before where you pick up. You did a great job sort of catching us up in your pre posting paragraphs. Thank you.)

I'm sure when Chai returns she will have more pointers. She knows you better than I do and knows your writing style too, although this story really had me intrigued. Again, thank you for posting. (check out my blog when you get a chance - I've posted some updates on my contest and all) - see you in the postings - E :)

Rain-drop said...

I also cannot remember if this story was in 1st or 3rd person before. If it was in 1st as it is here, then keep it, as E said.

I also think that maybe Kat should focus more on finding her friend. Then again, it makes sense that the thumb cut weirdness jolts her and distracts her for a moment.

I feel a bit disappinted that Jane showed up and that nothing happened to her. It took the mystery feeling out of the story, a bit. But I'm still very curious and the mansion.

I enjoy the mystery of the locked van door. Did someone lock it after Jane saw it unlocked? :O Or did Kat really just move it in her sleep?

I think you COULD make thie story longer, but you don't want to. That's OK. It works as a short one, too. I hope something exciting happens again, though. Or they discover the mystery of the mansion. Encountering someone in the mansion would be quite exciting *hinthint* Or discovering the mansions' magic, as Kat did with the weird rose.

Did you put emphasis on Kat findint the van door locked when she woke up? I don't remember. Sorry, I didn't reread stuff. I should've.

I think Jane is funny, but I kinda wonder what she DID while in the mansion all night, and why? And wouldn't sleeping in the van be more ocmfy than outside or in a mysterious mansion?

Jane is definitely the braver character. You do a good job on characterizing these two; they are definitely different.

I love the pencil/eraser metaphor. Nice.

I agree with E's suggestion to, when you post new stuff on this story, add in the last paragraph we read from the last posting - in italics or some such.

A thing you keep doing that strikes me as unnecessary and bugs me, is the whole apostrophe thing after Jane's name - Jan'. We know that it's a shortening of Jane already, from the first part of the story, so why put that apostrophe there to inform us again? Not needed.

Also your first paragraph seems to want to enlighten me and E to jog our memory about what happened, by talking about the K on her thumb. But if I were reading the story all the way through, that jogging our memory would not be necessary. So maybe just start with, "I laughed nervously despite myself," because she is looking at the K at the beginning of this one and end of the last one, right?

I would love more description of the mansion. This is all thoughts and dialogue - more visuals would be appreciated. Sorry to push you, but the more the reader's senses get involved, the more the reader feels like they are there, experiencing the story, and the more the reader will enjoy it.

Then again, actually, sometimes paragraphs or chapters with only thoughts can be really interesting. :D

I think the sentence "I didn't know it at that moment, but in a few seconds that exact person startled me" is quite awkward. First of all, the character is anticipating what is about to happen, and then it happens. Sure. But the way you phrase it just readers weirdly. I think you can nix that sentence - putting in "As if the thought of Jane was suddenly the call of my salvation, suddenly she was there" is enough to inform us that she is thinking of Jane, and then Jane appears. Perhaps the "Boo" can appear before this sentence? Then the order of it all flows more smoothly.

Hoped all my nitpicking helps! eheheh. Sorry.

But you said "awkward or funky parts, please say so." So I'm just trying to help.

Nice continuation of the story, exciting and surprising. Good job! I'm so glad to see this story updated again. :D Please keep it up!

elysabeth said...

lol - Chai warned me she got longwinded - I think you are doing a great job with this story too - how long do you think this story will be? I'd like to see this put somewhere if possible - it's got a great hook and definitely has an element of mystery in it - let me know when you are ready to work on the total package - of revising and submitting, I'll try to guide you - E :)

elysabeth said...

I keep looking to see if you have made any progress - with this or with our comments but guess you are still really busy with school. I'd love to know what you plan to do with this - some of that mystical fantasy going on with something real - two friends exploring a haunted house - and learning things from each other and their journey -

don't keep us in too much suspense on what's going to happen - inquiring minds want to know - lol - E :)

elysabeth said...

so I just peeked at your other blog and now I understand why you aren't posting as much here - lol - you aren't at home and it is after all summer break. Not sure how long you get for break but definitely utilize it to the best of your ability and have fun. But try to slip some writing time when you can - am so anxiously awaiting updates on these two characters. No rush mind you, just wanting some new stuff on them.

The offer still stands if you want me to edit or help you through the process of revising, et cetera - I'm available (msnun on yahoo messenger or you can drop by my blog and find my email addy and drop me a line) - hope to see some more on this story soon - E :)